The Pastor’s Piece, Pastor Kevin Cernek, FCFI Chaplain

June 6, 2025

“Words”

We walk the dog, herd cattle, lead sheep, and let the cat out. Deer leap, foxes trot, horses canter, and cattle lumber. Lions travel in prides, sheep in flocks, and fish in schools. A group of alligators is called a Congregation. You have a caldron of bats, a sleuth of bears, and a clowder of cats. A group of lobsters are called a risk, while foxes travel in skulks. A group of eagles are called a convocation and many crows become a murder of crows.

While preparing to write this column, I came across a book written by Richard Lederer called, “Crazy English; the Ultimate Joyride Through Our Language”  (Pocket Books, 1989).  Following are some of the excerpts:

English is the most widely spoken language in the history of our planet, used in some way by at least one out of every seven human beings around the globe. Half of the world’s books are written in English, and the majority of international telephone calls are made in English. English is the language of over sixty percent of the world’s radio programs. More than seventy percent of international mail is written and addressed in English, and eighty percent of all computer text is stored in English. English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world’s languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race.

In the crazy English language, the blackbird hen is brown, blackboards can be green or blue, and blackberries are green and then red before they are ripe. Even if blackberries were really black and blueberries really blue, what are strawberries, cranberries, elderberries, huckleberries, raspberries, and gooseberries supposed to look like?

To add to this insanity there is no butter in buttermilk, no egg in eggplant, no grape in grapefruit, no bread in shortbread, neither worms nor wood in wormwood, neither mush nor room in mushroom, neither pine nor apple in pineapple, neither peas nor nuts in peanuts, and no ham in a hamburger.

To make matters worse, English muffins weren’t invented in England, French fries in France, or Danish pastries in Denmark. In this unreliable English tongue, greyhounds aren’t always grey (or gray); panda bears and koala bears aren’t bears (they’re marsupials); a woodchuck is a groundhog, which is not a hog; a horned toad is a lizard; glowworms are fireflies, but fireflies are not flies (they’re beetles); ladybugs and lightning bugs are also beetles (and to propagate, a significant proportion of ladybugs must be male – wouldn’t they be manbugs?); a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea (it’s a South American rodent).

When we take the time to step back and listen to the sounds that escape from people’s mouths and explore the paradoxes, we find that hot dogs can be cold, homework can be done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are girls and midwives can be men, hours — especially happy hours and rush hours — often last longer than sixty minutes, quick- sand works very slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being pushed, and many bathrooms don’t have any baths in them. In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree — no bath, no room; it’s still going to the bathroom. And doesn’t it seem a little bizarre that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the bathroom?

If someone wrote a letter, perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the teacher taught, why isn’t it also true that the preacher praught? And if pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?

No wonder people have trouble sleeping at night.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight,” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

(Kevin Cernek is Pastor of Martintown Community Church in Martintown, Wisconsin).